Joke page

Here's where you get off topic and off center....Keep it nice, keep it clean, no sniping, no flaming. After that, anything goes.

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Frank Harrist

Joke page

Post by Frank Harrist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 7:38 am

This has nothing to do with archaeology, but since jokes seem to invade almost every thread I thought we should have a thread just for them. Cuts down on the deviation from topics. I'll start with some sarcasm.

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
For I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
Leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
Leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
Neighbor''s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
Promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of your payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night. :lol:

stan
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Post by stan » Thu Aug 10, 2006 7:41 am

Memorable lines....
The deeper you go, the higher you fly.

Minimalist
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Post by Minimalist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 9:22 am

Okay.

For people over 40 . . .

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

grunabona246
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jokes

Post by grunabona246 » Thu Aug 10, 2006 9:38 am

very funny, guys. got me laughing out loud for sure.

Minimalist
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Post by Minimalist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 10:21 am

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years
they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the
woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman calms down and sits
quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That's
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on
Friday, I'm golfing.


>



An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged
for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and
on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after
all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,"DAMNIT, WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP!?"
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:57 pm

and a
Leaky tire.
is that richard or louis?

Frank Harrist

Post by Frank Harrist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 2:48 pm

archaeologist wrote:
and a
Leaky tire.
is that richard or louis?
(Sarcastic guffaw) Man, arch, that's pretty lame, but I applaud you for trying to show a sense of humor. Couldn't think of a real joke? :wink: :lol:

Minimalist
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Post by Minimalist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 3:13 pm

Give him a break, Frank. How many funny christians do you know?

:lol:
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

Frank Harrist

Post by Frank Harrist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 3:37 pm

Minimalist wrote:Give him a break, Frank. How many funny christians do you know?

:lol:
All of 'em?

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:00 pm

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
so if everyone on this forum donates $20 for me to disappear, will it work? (with the balance forwarded to me)--ha.

Beagle
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Post by Beagle » Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:00 pm

Great, now I've got to try and find a clean joke. :wink:

Minimalist
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Location: Arizona

Post by Minimalist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:02 pm

Beagle wrote:Great, now I've got to try and find a clean joke. :wink:
Who says?
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

Beagle
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Location: Tennessee

Post by Beagle » Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:04 pm

I'm pretty sure we have some limits here.

BTW - Hats off to Scotland Yard! 8)

stan
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Post by stan » Thu Aug 10, 2006 7:23 pm

Thanks to Michelle for today's news!!
In one case they had found hitherto hidden details of the interior structure of an ancient relative of the living penis worm, and in another they had seen embryonic worm segments unlike those found in living specimens today.
Michelle, what's a penis worm?

Image

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/14262140/

:) :)
The deeper you go, the higher you fly.

Minimalist
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Location: Arizona

Post by Minimalist » Thu Aug 10, 2006 7:27 pm

Michelle, what's a penis worm?

Reminds me of one of the sight gags from Flesh Gordon!
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

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