Joke page

[Starflower]

From the Redneck Book of Manners

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

***DINING OUT ***
1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone..... deodorant is a waste of good money.

*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested. "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

*** WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

[Minimalist]

I have a southern friend who needs to see this!

[Minimalist]

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY,
"ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,

"I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND
50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID,

"ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD.
IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW,
I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED,

"MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50
DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID,

"FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.
IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE
RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU!
BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED --- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.

HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN,

BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS.
HE SAID,

"I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

[Starflower]

The young Aggie Priest ,at his first mass was so scared that he could hardly speak. So before his second week in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor ( a old veteran of this work) "How can I relax. The Monsignor said " My son,this sunday it might help if you put some martinis in the water pitcher instead of water and after a few sips , everything should go smoother!

So Sunday came and the young priest did as suggested and he really talked up a storm. after the mass he asked the old veteran how he had done. The Monsignor replied " Just fine except there are a few things you need to get straight before your next mass!

1.Next time ,sip the martini rather than gulping it down by the glassfull.

2.There are 10 Commandments,not twelve.

3.there are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.david slew Goliath; he didn't kick the @!$%# out of him.

5.We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and The Boys.

6. WE don't refer to the cross as the "BIG T".

7. We don't refer to the Father,Son and the Holy Ghost , as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'

8.Next Sunday there is a taffy pull at St. Peters Church, not a peter pulling at St Taffys!

9.The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign "Toot & Tell or Go To Hell" has to go.

10. Last but not least, we say the Virgin Mary, Not "Mary with a Cherry"

[Charlie Hatchett]

That's hilarious!!

These in particular crack me up:

We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and The Boys".

David slew Goliath; he didn't kick the @!$%# out of him.

We don't refer to the cross as the "BIG T".

The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign "Toot & Tell or Go To Hell" has to go.

[Charlie Hatchett]

I like these too:

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

[Starflower]

As women age

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Starflower]

Hormones

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[Beagle]

As women age

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

That poor woman. I'm nothing like that fellow. When I retired I hired a company to mow the lawn.

Thanks Star.

[Minimalist]

That was good, Star!

Mood rings!

[Starflower]

Alcohol Warnings:.........

American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's
order that all
alcohol containers contain warning labels. These were
the suggested
labels that had been rejected by the FDA:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra and
panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you're whispering when you're not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think
you can logically converse with members of the opposite
sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and
better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major
factor in getting youra** kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alkaholl may Mack you tink
you kan tpye reel gode.

[Starflower]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone


1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[Mayonaze]

AFTER EVERY FLIGHT, UPS PILOTS FILL OUT A FORM, CALLED A "GRIPE SHEET", WHICH TELLS MECHANICS ABOUT PROBLEMS WITH THE AIRCRAFT. THE MECHANICS CORRECT THE PROBLEMS; DOCUMENT THEIR REPAIRS ON THE FORM, AND THEN PILOTS REVIEW THE GRIPE SHEETS BEFORE THE NEXT FLIGHT. NEVER LET IT BE SAID THAT GROUND CREWS LACK A SENSE OF HUMOR. HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL MAINTENANCE COMPLAINTS SUBMITTED BY UPS' PILOTS (MARKED WITH A “P”) AND THE SOLUTIONS RECORDED (MARKED WITH AN “S”) BY MAINTENANCE ENGINEERS.

BY THE WAY, UPS IS THE ONLY MAJOR AIRLINE THAT HAS NEVER, EVER, HAD AN ACCIDENT.


P: LEFT INSIDE MAIN TIRE ALMOST NEEDS REPLACEMENT.
S: ALMOST REPLACED LEFT INSIDE MAIN TIRE.

P: TEST FLIGHT OK, EXCEPT AUTO-LAND VERY ROUGH.
S: AUTO-LAND NOT INSTALLED ON THIS AIRCRAFT.

P: SOMETHING LOOSE IN COCKPIT
S: SOMETHING TIGHTENED IN COCKPIT

P: DEAD BUGS ON WINDSHIELD.
S: LIVE BUGS ON BACK-ORDER.

P: AUTOPILOT IN ALTITUDE-HOLD MODE PRODUCES 200 FEET PER MINUTE DESCENT
S: CANNOT REPRODUCE PROBLEM ON GROUND.

P: EVIDENCE OF LEAK ON RIGHT MAIN LANDING GEAR.
S: EVIDENCE REMOVED.

P: DME VOLUME UNBELIEVABLY LOUD.
S: DME VOLUME SET TO MORE BELIEVABLE LEVEL.

P: FRICTION LOCKS CAUSE THROTTLE LEVERS TO STICK.
S: THAT'S WHAT FRICTION LOCKS ARE FOR.

P: IFF INOPERATIVE IN OFF MODE.
S: IFF ALWAYS INOPERATIVE IN OFF MODE.

P: SUSPECTED CRACK IN WINDSHIELD.
S: SUSPECT YOU'RE RIGHT.

P: NUMBER 3 ENGINE MISSING.
S: ENGINE FOUND ON RIGHT WING AFTER BRIEF SEARCH.

P: AIRCRAFT HANDLES FUNNY. (I LOVE THIS ONE!)
S: AIRCRAFT WARNED TO: STRAIGHTEN UP, FLY RIGHT, AND BE SERIOUS.

P: TARGET RADAR HUMS.
S: REPROGRAMMED TARGET RADAR WITH LYRICS.

P: MOUSE IN COCKPIT.
S: CAT INSTALLED.



AND THE BEST ONE FOR LAST..................

P: NOISE COMING FROM UNDER INSTRUMENT PANEL. SOUNDS LIKE A MIDGET POUNDING ON SOMETHING WITH A HAMMER.
S: TOOK HAMMER AWAY FROM MIDGET

[Minimalist]

ENGINE FOUND ON RIGHT WING AFTER BRIEF SEARCH.

That was my favorite.

[Starflower]

Mayonaze, I loved that!


A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he
said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe
all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it
two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50
and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus".