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Starflower
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Location: Ashland, Oregon

Post by Starflower » Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:47 pm

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Jack, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Jack's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Jack had his
bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Jack, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Jack became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Jack the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well. Clearly Jack was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World

"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF

Minimalist
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Post by Minimalist » Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:58 pm

Oh....oh.... ouch, Star.

:D
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

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Digit
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Post by Digit » Wed Jul 04, 2007 1:58 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Beagle
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Post by Beagle » Wed Aug 29, 2007 2:37 pm

Best Quote so far in 2007.


By Chris Rock, comedian 2-28-07

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."


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Digit
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Post by Digit » Wed Aug 29, 2007 2:55 pm

Oh so true, I love it!
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt

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MichelleH
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Can you hear me now???????

Post by MichelleH » Wed Aug 29, 2007 6:55 pm


Jesus Cell Phone Found By Archaeologist


http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm? ... e=s3i23955
We've Got Fossils - We win ~ Lewis Black

Red meat, cheese, tobacco, and liquor...it works for me ~ Anthony Bourdain

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Minimalist
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Post by Minimalist » Wed Aug 29, 2007 9:27 pm

You know what's scary, boss?

They had to print this disclaimer.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Ever read the hate e-mails that get sent to Landover Baptist?
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

War Arrow
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Post by War Arrow » Thu Aug 30, 2007 6:47 am

Beagle wrote:
Best Quote so far in 2007.


By Chris Rock, comedian 2-28-07

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon."

Heh.Heh. I've got a lot of time for Chris Rock, and tieing that in with the bizzare need to include a disclaimer after the cell phone article - I've still got a copy somewhere of the issue of Vibe (advert heavy but otherwise insubstantial R&B mag published by Quincy Jones, I think) where they handed over the editor's seat to Chris Rock for an issue. He filled said issue with sarcastic reviews and interviews with non-existent artists - heavy on the parody of Vibe's normal fare and very funny. What was kind of odd though was how they felt the need to print a little photo of Chris Rock winking at the end of each send-up, just in case anyone really believed the articles. Reading the Vibe letter's page proves that it's big amongst the potatohead community, but that seemed to be going just a bit too far. I suppose there must be people out there who think Star Wars was a documentary.
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Beagle
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Post by Beagle » Tue Sep 18, 2007 2:13 pm

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
-------------------- ------------------------------------------------
3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
------------------------------ -----------------------------------------
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cut s down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers. )
--------------- - --------------------------------------------------------
6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Minimalist
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Post by Minimalist » Tue Sep 18, 2007 3:55 pm

:D
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

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Digit
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Location: Wales, UK

Post by Digit » Thu Sep 20, 2007 2:18 am

Trouble Min is it seems to be true. Over here some pratt has just suggested that 14yr olds should set the questions and mark their own papers.
Question for the asylum workers? Do we need teachers?
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt

Minimalist
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Post by Minimalist » Thu Sep 20, 2007 9:44 am

Remarkable.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin

Rokcet Scientist

Post by Rokcet Scientist » Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:02 am

First Kiss


It's your First Kiss and several questions might come to mind:



Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

AND,---Should you use some tongue?


Then you say . . .

'What the heck!' and Just Go for it!!!


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MichelleH
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Post by MichelleH » Sun Nov 04, 2007 1:45 pm

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm? ... e=s2i26507


Bush employs terracotta army to join US forces in Iraq
We've Got Fossils - We win ~ Lewis Black

Red meat, cheese, tobacco, and liquor...it works for me ~ Anthony Bourdain

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

kbs2244
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Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:47 pm

Post by kbs2244 » Mon Nov 05, 2007 11:01 am

The conversations we have been having on other threads about sex in other cultures reminded me of a time many years ago when I was still in grade school. I spent two weeks visiting my cousin who lived on a far in the deep south of the US. South central Georgia.

My Dad always called it “hillbilly heaven.” I didn’t understand that because it was pretty flat country. Corn growing country. If it wasn’t so hot and humid you might think you were in Illinois or Indiana.

Anyway. One morning my cousin, Billy, and me had found his mothers book of card game rules. We were trying to learn how to play Canasta. His mom and dad would play it almost every night and seemed to be having fun, so we thought we would try it.

There was a knock at the door and Billy went to answer it. It was the farmer from about a mile further down the gravel road. He lived a little closer to the creek where we sometimes went swimming.

He asked Billy, “Is your Dad home?”

Billy said, “No Sir, he went into town.”

“Well, is your Mom here?”

“No, she went with Dad.”

“How about your brother Howard? Is he here?”

“No Sir, he went with Dad and Mom.”

The farmer stood there a few minutes shifting from one foot to the other, kind of talking to himself.

Finally Billy said, “Is there anything I help you with? I know where all the tools and other stuff is, if you need to borrow something.”

“Well,” the farmer said, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about you brother Howard getting my daughter Pearl pregnant.”

Billy stood there while thinking. “You will have to talk to me Dad about that.” he conceded. “But, if it helps you any, I know he gets $50.00 for the bull and $25.00 for the hog. But I really don’t know how much he gets for Howard.”

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