Joke page

[Frank Harrist]

The tooth fairy, the easter bunny, santa claus, and god were sitting around talking.
NO THEY WEREN'T BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[grunabona246]

I stole that quote, but I don't know where. I have always thought that I'm one of the smartest guys in the universe.

groucho marx.

[Minimalist]

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

-



Q: What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him!

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb, and about 500 to go outside and shout, "I've seen the light!"

Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. Ah! Breakfast in bed.

-

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.

-



Many years ago, there was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire word, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of mans' relationship with God.

Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running. They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R'. There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"

-

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words."Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may now say another two words, Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John. The Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today, Brother John."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably for the best," said the Chief Priest. "All you have done since you got here is complain."


-

Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.

Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.

A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

Sarah responded, "Well ... He WAS wearing a hat."

[Minimalist]

One more.

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.

The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."

"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.

Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."

[Minimalist]

Okay....really last one.

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

[Minimalist]

Two nuns are hard at work painting the monastery. It is very, very hot and one nun says to the other, "Do you think it would be evil if we took our habits off since we're working so hard and it's so hot?" The other nun said, "Well, we're all alone and no one ever comes here, to the monastery, so it will be fine."

So the nuns took their habits off and were painting in the nude when all of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door. "Who's there?" they cried in a panic.

"The blind man," came the reply.

"Well," said the first nun, "if he is blind, it won't make any difference."

So the nuns opened the door.

"Nice tits!" said the man. "Where do you want me to put the blinds?"

[Guest]

***

[Minimalist]

One afternoon, Sister Mary Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in the fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Adrijana said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Mary Catherine's eyes grew wide and then she barked, "What did you say?"

"I said, a prostitute!" little Adrijana exclaimed.

Sister Mary Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said, "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'."

[Guest]

***

[john]

cape cod.

actually, barnstable, massachusetts.

very hardworking guy lived there - this is in the late nineteenthirties- tending his cranberry bog and fishing and doing his best to make a living.

his name was zeke, short for ezekiel.

the high point - and the only point - of his hardworking existence was going out and hunting duck in the fall.

bluebills, canvasbacks, mallards.

to which point his only luxury - other than his double barreled 12 gauge - was a good retriever. Of the canine variety.

so we get to 1938. his old retriever is old and only interested in hanging out on the back porch.

therefore, he goes to a friend, a farmer named Howard, who is also into hunting, and retrievers; who, as a sideline, breeds an awesome bloodline of irish water spaniels, and asks for a pup.

yep. farmer Howard agrees.

said pup comes home to Zeke in early june. zeke trains pup. pup is awesome.


so, finally, duck season opens. Zeke and pup go out in the johnboat on opening day, tuck the boat into the reeds, set out a spread of decoys and wait.

before long, a flight comes in, targets the decoys, and zeke shoots his first duck of the day. the pup is all over the boat in excitement. zeke sez "fetch" and the pup bails out of the boat on his first real retrieve.

what happens next is unreal. the pup doesn't swim, but runs
OVER the water, picks up duck and heads back to the boat, and happily delivers deceased duck to zeke.

zeke shakes his head, looks at the bottle of hundred proof chill chaser he has brought along, takes a swig to see if its really ok - and it is - then reloads his gun. waits for the next flight.

which comes in shortly thereafter with the same results. the damn dog is running on top of the water.

zeke and the chill chaser get intimate after that, until he fills his limit and goes home - in deep thought - with the ecstatic pup merrily running circles around him.

the following week zeke hunts down the local minister, who also loves hunting ducks, and invites him over for a saturday shoot.

saturday morning, pre-dawn, minister, zeke and pup get into the johnboat, head out and set up dekes. first flight comes in. both the minister and zeke drop, each, a bluebill. zeke sez "fetch". the pup enthusiastically leaps out of the boat, and, again, walking on water, retrieves the birds.

the minister doesn't comment.

this continues until both men fill their limits.

minister still has not commented on the pups's ability to walk on water.

finally, on their way home, zeke can't stand it anymore. "what do you think of my pup, rev?"

the minister pauses for awhile, then sez "zeke, the best thing you can do with that pup is put it out of its misery when you get home."

zeke, aghast, asks "but why, rev?"

The minister sez, " i'm sorry to say that you don't have a retriever there. The poor thing obviously doesn't know how to swim."



john

[Minimalist]

One afternoon, the local minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask them what they were doing.

"Nothing much Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, Boys, Boys!" the minister intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."

They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor!"

[Guest]

***

[Minimalist]

A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be
something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in five
seconds or less."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Hospital visiting hours for the husband are limited due to the extent
of the injuries...

[Guest]

***

[Minimalist]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation,
smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed
the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man
go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a
minute and then calmly replied...

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,

No debt,

Plenty buffalo,

Plenty beaver,

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free,

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,

All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled...

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system
like that."