During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
Joke page
Moderators: MichelleH, Minimalist, JPeters
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Starflower
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2006 9:09 pm
- Location: Ashland, Oregon
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Starflower
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2006 9:09 pm
- Location: Ashland, Oregon
Three guys were sitting in a sauna, an Irishman, an American and a Japanese man. They were all naked and enjoying their steamy surroundings when a phone rang. The Japanese man spoke into his wrist. Upon finishing his conversation, he bowed and apologized to his sauna mates. "I had a telephone computer chip put into my wrist so I can answer my phone."
The Irishman was very impressed by this.
Then, after hearing a beeping sound, the American pressed something on his arm a few times. "Sorry, I had a text message chip implanted in my forearm so I can be in contact with my job."
The Irishman, after being mightily impressed, started to feel somewhat outclassed. "Excuse me," he said. "I'll be right back." He went to the men's room and emerged with a long piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. "Well, would you look at that, I've got a fax coming in."
The Irishman was very impressed by this.
Then, after hearing a beeping sound, the American pressed something on his arm a few times. "Sorry, I had a text message chip implanted in my forearm so I can be in contact with my job."
The Irishman, after being mightily impressed, started to feel somewhat outclassed. "Excuse me," he said. "I'll be right back." He went to the men's room and emerged with a long piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. "Well, would you look at that, I've got a fax coming in."
It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
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MichelleH
- Site Admin
- Posts: 866
- Joined: Wed May 11, 2005 6:38 pm
- Location: Southern California & Arizona
- Contact:
Brain Surgery
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, " $5,000 for a male brain, and $ 200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, " $5,000 for a male brain, and $ 200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
We've Got Fossils - We win ~ Lewis Black
Red meat, cheese, tobacco, and liquor...it works for me ~ Anthony Bourdain
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Red meat, cheese, tobacco, and liquor...it works for me ~ Anthony Bourdain
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Starflower
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2006 9:09 pm
- Location: Ashland, Oregon
Getting Even"
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
Sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
Matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
The vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
When we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her
Because she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who
Wanted the dirty cat, Not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye-to-eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with
My husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
Located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room
And office were full of people waiting to see the Doctor. A side door
Opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's
Pussy doesn't stink anymore and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now
Smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only
Knows who the Father is!"
Then he closed the door.
That, my friends, is getting even.
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a
Sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all
Matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to
The vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
When we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her
Because she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who
Wanted the dirty cat, Not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye-to-eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with
My husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
Located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room
And office were full of people waiting to see the Doctor. A side door
Opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's
Pussy doesn't stink anymore and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now
Smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only
Knows who the Father is!"
Then he closed the door.
That, my friends, is getting even.
It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
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Starflower
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2006 9:09 pm
- Location: Ashland, Oregon
A niece went to visit her uncle in the hospital. Bad news! He was in a coma. Her uncle's doctor came to her to report on the uncle's condition.
"I'm sorry, your uncle is brain-dead but his heart is still beating."
The niece was shocked. "Oh my gosh! We've never had a liberal in the family before."
Just had to share this one
Star
"I'm sorry, your uncle is brain-dead but his heart is still beating."
The niece was shocked. "Oh my gosh! We've never had a liberal in the family before."
Just had to share this one
Star
It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
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Starflower
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2006 9:09 pm
- Location: Ashland, Oregon
Things you wish you could say at work...
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh__.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh__.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
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Minimalist
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 16013
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:09 pm
- Location: Arizona
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is
shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition
that could kill her at any time.
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex
again--the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try
to live by these rules.
Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides
he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against
temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet
each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading
up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice
quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just
coming upstairs to kill you!"
shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition
that could kill her at any time.
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex
again--the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try
to live by these rules.
Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides
he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against
temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet
each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading
up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice
quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just
coming upstairs to kill you!"
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.
-- George Carlin
-- George Carlin
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Starflower
- Posts: 276
- Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2006 9:09 pm
- Location: Ashland, Oregon
Woman's Poem/Man's Poem
Woman's Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man,
who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who
loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One
who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully
employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my
chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do
more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what
to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me
to no end,
And always be my very best
friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a
deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a
golf course. This
doesn't rhyme but I don't give a
s#$%.
Woman's Poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man,
who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who
loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One
who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully
employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my
chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do
more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what
to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me
to no end,
And always be my very best
friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a
deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a
golf course. This
doesn't rhyme but I don't give a
s#$%.
It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
-- Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World
"Give us the timber or we'll go all stupid and lawless on your butts". --Redcloud, MTF
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Minimalist
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 16013
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:09 pm
- Location: Arizona
-
Frank Harrist
I thought we were gittin some more dang smileys.-
Charlie Hatchett
- Posts: 2274
- Joined: Wed May 17, 2006 10:58 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
- Contact:
Well look what the cat dragged in!!Frank Harrist wrote:Oops! sorry about my grammar. I thought we WAS gittin' some more dang smileys.
How you doing, Bro?
Charlie Hatchett
PreClovis Artifacts from Central Texas
www.preclovis.com
http://forum.preclovis.com
PreClovis Artifacts from Central Texas
www.preclovis.com
http://forum.preclovis.com