heh. Weird but that makes me nostalgic for your childhood.Joke page
Moderators: MichelleH, Minimalist, JPeters
A man walks into a bar----on the counter is a giant glass jug filled with $20.00 bills. "Whats the story on all this money?" Bartender says there are three tests for you to complete, and if successful, the money is yours. The fee is $20.00 in the jug. "What are the tests?" asked the man. The first is for you to drink a gallon of whisky spiced with tabasco in five minutes---second is that we have a 200# pit bull in the back yard with a bad tooth--you must remove the tooth with only your bare hands----third is that we have a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never had sex and wants to experience it before she dies--you will take care of that. The longer the man looked at all that money the more he wanted it. "OK here is my money, lets get started." He turned up the gallon of whisky and gagging drained it all. Picking himself off the floor, he went into the backyard. The other customers heard horrible growling, crashing, screams, and finally silence. The man came through the door with most of his clothes torn off, blood streaming from multiple bites, and said "Now---where is the old lady with a bad tooth?"
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popelane24
- Posts: 50
- Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2006 12:52 pm
One of my favorites.........!
Hey guys. I havent read all the joke pages but hopefully you guys havent heard this one yet.
Q: Why did the fly leave the toilet seat?
A: He was PISSED OFF
Hardy har har.
Q: Why did the fly leave the toilet seat?
A: He was PISSED OFF
Hardy har har.
An English couple retire to Spain, but soon begin to miss English foods. So one day the husband goes along to the local Corridor and explains to the boss man that his wife has a particular recipe that they both enjoy and that requires amongs its ingredients Bull's 'sweetbreads'.
Confirmed in his opinion that the English are mad he readily agrees to supply what is required when needed.
And so, every few weeks, the husband visits the arena office and is duly supplied with a large bag and its contents.
Till one day he is offered a tiny bag.
'What's this?'! he wants to know.
The boss looks sad. 'Senor,' he explains. 'El Toro, he not always lose!'
Confirmed in his opinion that the English are mad he readily agrees to supply what is required when needed.
And so, every few weeks, the husband visits the arena office and is duly supplied with a large bag and its contents.
Till one day he is offered a tiny bag.
'What's this?'! he wants to know.
The boss looks sad. 'Senor,' he explains. 'El Toro, he not always lose!'
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt
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Minimalist
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 16013
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:09 pm
- Location: Arizona
Quote of the Day:
"Inside of every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened!"
"Inside of every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened!"
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.
-- George Carlin
-- George Carlin
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Minimalist
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 16013
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:09 pm
- Location: Arizona
Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q &A &more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space'.
8. You' r e not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a witch
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4 Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3 Eyelash curlers ..
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand :
1. OTHER WOMEN
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.
-- George Carlin
-- George Carlin
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Rudolph Hucker
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 6:02 pm
- Location: Seoul, Korea
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.
'Just Released - New LP -Wasps of Europe & the sounds that they make -
available now!'
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the
window.'
'Certainly, Sir,' says the young man behind the counter. 'If you'd like to
step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you.'
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those.'
'I'm sorry Sir', says the young assistant. 'If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.'
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. 'I don't
understand it', he says,
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!'
'I'm terribly sorry, Sir' says the young man, 'perhaps if you'd like to step
into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.'
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP.'
'I really am terribly sorry', says the young assistant,
'I've just realised I was playing you the bee side.'
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.
'Just Released - New LP -Wasps of Europe & the sounds that they make -
available now!'
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the
window.'
'Certainly, Sir,' says the young man behind the counter. 'If you'd like to
step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you.'
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those.'
'I'm sorry Sir', says the young assistant. 'If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.'
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. 'I don't
understand it', he says,
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!'
'I'm terribly sorry, Sir' says the young man, 'perhaps if you'd like to step
into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.'
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
'I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP.'
'I really am terribly sorry', says the young assistant,
'I've just realised I was playing you the bee side.'
"i do not think that religious people have lower i.q.s i just don't think they gain enough knowledge nor are taught properly how to use what they have learned." - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist
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Minimalist
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 16013
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:09 pm
- Location: Arizona
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Rudolph Hucker
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 6:02 pm
- Location: Seoul, Korea
Yes, Min, it is so bad that it has raised titters from my chums all round the world.
"i do not think that religious people have lower i.q.s i just don't think they gain enough knowledge nor are taught properly how to use what they have learned." - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist