Joke page

[marduk]

Sol Rosenberg dies and his soul appears before the pearly gates. There was a book and behind the book stood Saint Peter. "Oh no," Sol wails, "All this time I was a good Jew and now this happens. Just my luck." "Calm down, Sol," Peter says, "All that really matters is that you have lived a good and caring life, and you have, so I am pleased to welcome you into heaven." "Thank you so much," Sol replies.

St. Peter leads Sol down a long hallway with many, many doors. "Excuse me for asking," says Sol, "but what are all of these doors for?" St. Peter explained that each door led to a different room in heaven and that each religion had their own room.

"Which one is this?" asked Sol. "That is for Catholics," St. Peter said. "I hate to ask," said Sol, "but my son married a Catholic and his in-laws were such lovely people before they passed away. Would you mind if I just said hello?" "Of course not," said St. Peter.

After a few minutes, Sol emerged and they continued down the hall. "And what door is that?" asked Sol. "That is the atheist room." "I feel terrible for asking, but when I had my shop, the fellow next to me was an atheist, and..." "Please," said "St. Peter, motioning towards the door, "It is no problem at all."

After greeting his friend, Sol and St. Peter continued down the hallway. After a little while, St. Peter stopped Sol and motioned for him to be quiet and walk very softly. "We must not make a sound," St. Peter whispered. The crept slowly and silently along until they stopped in front of a door down the way. "Here you go, welcome to the Jewish heaven," said St. Peter. "Thank you very much," said Sol, "but I must ask. Why did we have to be so quiet when passing that one door?" St. Peter rolled his eyes and said, "That's the fundamentalists, they think they're the only ones up here."

[Minimalist]

[Minimalist]

[Minimalist]

A Cowboy's Guide to Life

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker
you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew;
your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing
when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it
are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd,
take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness
to a critter or to a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around,
be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag
is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is,
but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman -
Neither one works.

Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

[Minimalist]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.


As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever Seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[Beagle]

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar and have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought that he may have been upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment about it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go someplace quiet where we could talk. He agreed, but he remained somewhat quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too". When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant, almost completely absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed also. To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep-I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster....









HIS DIARY


I didn't catch any fish in the tournament today, but at least I got laid.

[Frank Harrist]

Perfect!

[marduk]

A jewish villager had a problem and went to the rabbi. "Rabbi, I don't know what to do, my son went to Jerusalem and now he has come back a Christian".
The rabbi answered, "I don't know what to do either, the same thing happened to me, my son also went to Jerusalem and came back a Christian. I will go into the temple and ask God himself."
The rabbi went and some time later he came out. He then said to the villager: "God doesn't know what to do either, the same thing happened to him, his son went to Jerusalem and came back a Christian".

[Minimalist]

Exercise in Writing

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e- mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

"The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Serg eant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.

"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.

Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self- centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F-ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca) A$$hole.

(Gary) Bi#ch

(Rebecca) F___ YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary) Go drink some tea - wh%re.

(Professor) A+ - I really liked this one. [/code]

[Beagle]

[Minimalist]

The only cow in a small Jewish town in Russia stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise, rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[Minimalist]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him
saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows
her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're
the father of one of my kids."


Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid
on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped
my butt with wet celery stick and then stuck a carrot up my ass!?"


She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."

[Minimalist]

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Beagle]

Did you know that in Las Vegas there are more Catholic churches than
casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino
chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of
origin and cashed in.

This is done by the Chip Monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?!?! )

So much for clean jokes

[Minimalist]