Joke page

[Frank Harrist]

Shit, I was in Texas visiting Charlie back in April. That would have been the time.

Man, the three of us all in one place at the same time would disrupt the time/space continuum......or somethin. (How the hell do you spell continuum?)

[Minimalist]

I think you got it.

I don't know how to say it in French.

[Charlie Hatchett]

Yeah I'm gullible like that.

Then "gull" your butt down here!!

[Charlie Hatchett]

Man, the three of us all in one place at the same time would disrupt the time/space continuum

Scary, huh.

[Minimalist]

Probably cause Homeland Security to bump up the threat level.

[Frank Harrist]

Probably cause Homeland Security to bump up the threat level.

SHHHHHHHHHHHH THEY'LL HEAR YOU! I don't need them bastards pokin around my place.

[Rokcet Scientist]

If I had money I'd come visit all you guys. (Promise or warning?)

Sounds more like a threat to me . . .
But, anyway, we need you right there, Frank! You're our man to make damn sure we're not getting yet another Texan in 1600 Penn Ave.! We're counting on you!

[Beagle]

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2382340.html?menu=

A Kent man had to be freed by firemen after getting his penis stuck in a padlock.

This falls under the category that: Truth is Stranger than Fiction.

[Rokcet Scientist]

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2382340.html?menu=

A Kent man had to be freed by firemen after getting his penis stuck in a padlock.

This falls under the category that: Truth is Stranger than Fiction.

Kinky!

[Beagle]

A bit too kinky R/S.

[Starflower]

Home security system



1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used Work boots size 14-16.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty Beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Hey Bubba: Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the
Gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess With the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning And messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part In it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house.

[Starflower]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "S ame," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a biga** and long legs who agrees with everything I say".

[Minimalist]

[Beagle]

Updated Employee Regulations

Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
all department
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of
personnel. Under
this plan, older employees will be asked to take
early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people
who represent our
future
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel
by the end of the
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance
of Late-Aged
Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be
given the opportunity to
look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED
employees can request a
review of their employment records before actual
retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called
S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All
employees who have been
SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study b y Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy,
an employee may be
SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as
many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she
will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance
Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered
benefit plans, any
employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P.
will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of
training employees
through our: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our
employees receive. We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company
in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough
S.H.I.T. on the job, see
your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to
make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

[Digit]

Sounds very much like a company I worked for once, briefly!