Joke page

[Guest]

We needed a little comic relief, I mean besides arch.

thanks fraaaaaank. nice to know i am appreciated for something.

by the way, do you guys know of any good jokes?? {and i don't mean me}

[Minimalist]

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" asked the architect and artist in unison.

The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume that you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done."

[Minimalist]

Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.

He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.

Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.

"No way," he replied. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" she asked.

He responded, "The last time I did that something terrible happened."

"What?" she asked.

The man answered, "I got a double bogey."

[War Arrow]

http://www.garyjennings.net/

Sorry, yes, I am talking about Gary Jennings...I was just excited to know someone else knew about his writing. lol

I'll keep it short because once again I've nothing funny to add (although on the bright side it makes everyone else's jokes look funnier). Briefly on this subject, historical fiction etc. One of the best films I've ever seen is called The Other Conquest, set about 10 years after the fall of Tenochtitlan. I don't think it ever found proper distribution, but if you're interested in that period of history, it's well worth checking out. Still no sign of a DVD release but more info at http://www.theotherconquest.com/site/home.html

[Minimalist]

The doctor took Dan into the room and said,

"Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

[Frank Harrist]

This seems rather appropriate given my current situation;

You Work in Corporate America If...

- You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
- You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- Communication is something your group is having problems with.
- You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.
- Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.
- Art involves a white board.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.

[War Arrow]

A man is walking down the street when he is suddenly faced with an elephant running out of a jewellers shop in front of him, clutching a bag marked 'swag', with alarm bells clanging and people running from the shop in pursuit.
Next thing, the police arrive, and after it has been ascertained that the perpetrator is nowhere to be seen, they begin questioning witnesses. The man is asked for his version of events, and he relates what he saw. The police are bemused by his account of an elephant robbing a jewellers, and ask the man, "was it an Indian or an African elephant?".
"I don't know", replies the man, "he was wearing a balaclava".

[Minimalist]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'



"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[stan]

good one!

[Minimalist]

A welsh farmer buys several sheep, hoping
to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none
of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells
him that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer being welsh
doesn't have the slightest idea what
this means but, not wanting to display
his ignorance, only asks the vet how
he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and instead will lie
down and wallow in grass when they
are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself. So, he
loads the sheep into his Land Rover,
drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back, and
goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and
looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he
deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover
again. He drives them out to the woods,
bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to
bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep
still just standing round. "Try
again." he tells himself, and proceeds to
load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging
the sheep and upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed. The next morning,
he cannot even raise himself
from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if
the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover,
and one of them is beeping the horn."

[gunny]

Two Eskimos, one normal, one very short knock at the door of this Alaskan convent. The Mother Superior answers the door. The short Eskimo asks if they have a midget nun? No, she says. Do you know if there is a midget nun in the state of Alaska? No----I am sure there is not one. Ha---Ha, says the tall Eskimo, I told you you were screwing a penguin.

[Minimalist]

On The Daily Show, JOhn Stewart was picking on Bush.....(again) about his recent flip-flop on 'are we winning the war in Iraq.'

Bush says via recording: " We are not winning...we are not losing. "

Stewart then asks:

"Are we covering the spread?"

[Minimalist]

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for
I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so
terrible."

"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such
awful language?" asked the Priest.

"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that
looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a
phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the
ground after going about 100 yards."

"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what
you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"

"No Father," said the man,

"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed
my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle
came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"

"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying
away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the
green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through
some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a
sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from
the hole!" told the man.

The priest sighed,
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!

[fossiltrader]

This i heard at university.

American archaeologists announce that at 10 feet in the ground they have discovered copper wire proving ancient people had the telephone.
Russian archaeologists announce they have found copper wire in the ground at 20 feet proving their ancient people had it first.
Irish archaeologists announce that at 30 feet they found nothing proving their ancient people where the smartest they had mobiles.

See even archaeologists have humour lol merry xmass all.

[Frank Harrist]

Baptist Cowboy




>>A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and
>>orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking
>>a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back
>>to the bar and orders three more.

>>The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug
>>goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one
>>at a time."

>>The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
>>Arizona; the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in
>>Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
>>when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my
>>brothers and one for myself."

>>The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
>>there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks
>>the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

>>One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
>>take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
>>second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
>>grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

>>The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
>>his eyes and he laughs.

>>"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my
>>wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
>>"Hasn't affected my brothers though."