Archaeologica.org

On 2/11/2007 borowitzreport.com wrote:
> February 11, 2007
> U.S. Sends Surge of Homicidal Astronauts to Iraq
>
>
> Armed With Pepper Spray, Mallets, Tubing
>
>
> In its latest bid to shore up the security situation in Iraq’s war-torn capital city, the United States today sent a surge of 20,000 love-spurned astronauts to Baghdad.
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> With President Bush’s plan to send additional troops to Iraq coming under fire by both Democrats and Republicans in Congress, the decision to send thousands of homicidal space men and women to Baghdad seemed to be the best way to break the logjam, said Gen. David Petraeus.
>
> “If those insurgents think they are winning the fight with us, wait until they see these homicidal astronauts coming over the horizon,” said Gen. Petraeus, who took over responsibility for U.S. forces in Iraq on Saturday. “Hell hath no fury like an astronaut scorned.”
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> Gen. Petraeus said that the bloodthirsty astronauts would arrive in Baghdad armed with pepper spray, mallets, and rubber tubing, “and they’re not afraid to use them.”
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> Just hours after the announcement, Iraqi insurgents were reportedly panicking at the thought that 20,000 homicidal astronauts were on their way to Baghdad.
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> The insurgents were said to be pondering a number of measures to combat the surge, including stocking up on mallets and rubber tubing of their own.
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> According to one report on the Arabic language Al-Jazeera network, the insurgents were also considering obtaining a restraining order against the astronauts.
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> For his part, Gen. Petraeus was confident that the homicidal astronauts would outlast the insurgents: “We’ll be wearing diapers, and they won’t.”
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> Elsewhere, according to a new survey released today, one out of every four American men now claims to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
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>
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> www.borowitzreport.com

A leading professor of evolutionary revision told the Symposium that he had found evidence that the chimps used tools for "smashing nuts of anybody disagreeing with Creationist principles"

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I

think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised “to get out and meet people,” the local court heard last week.
Thomas Aloysius McCarney with an address in south Galway was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.
Solicitor for the accused Ms Sharon Fitzhenry said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.
“Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey,” she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like “Isn’t that right, Donkey?”
Supt John McBrearty told the court that Mr McCarney who had signed in as “ Mr Shrek” had told hotel staff that the donkey was a family pet and that this was believed by the hotel receptionist who the supt said was “young and hadn’t great English.”
Receptionist Irina Legova said that Mr McCarney had told her that the donkey was a breed of “super rabbit” which he was bringing to a pet fair in the city. The court was told that the donkey went berserk in the middle of the night and ran amok in the hotel corridor, forcing hotel staff to call the gardai.
McCarney was found in the room wearing a latex suit and handcuffs, the key to which the donkey is believed to have swallowed. He was removed to Mill St station after which it is said he was the subject of much mirth among the lads next door in The Galway Arms.
He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837. Other charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

marduk wrote:He was fined €2,000 for bringing the donkey to the room under the Unlawful Accommodation of Donkeys Act 1837.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do! " she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.


He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

BUBBA DIED IN A FIRE AND HIS BODY WAS VERY BADLY BURNED.

THE MORGUE NEEDED SOMEONE TO IDENTIFY THE BODY, SO THEY SENT

FOR HIS TWO BUDDIES, DARRYL AND GOMER. THE THREE MEN HAD ALWAYS DONE EVERYTHING TOGETHER.



DARRYL ARRIVED FIRST AND WHEN THE MORTICIAN PULLED BACK THE SHEET DARRYL SAID, "HIS FACE IS BURNED UP PRETTY BAD. YOU BETTER ROLL HIM OVER."


THE MORTICIAN ROLLED HIM OVER AND DARRYL SAID, "NOPE, AIN'T BUBBA."

THEN HE BROUGHT GOMER IN TO IDENTIFY THE BODY. GOMER LOOKED AT THE BODY AND SAID, "YUP, HE'S PRETTY WELL BURNT UP. ROLL HIM OVER."



THE MORTICIAN ROLLED HIM OVER AND GOMER SAID, "NOPE, IT AIN'T BUBBA."



THE MORTICIAN ASKED, "HOW CAN YOU TELL?"

GOMER SAID, "WELL, BUBBA HAD TWO ASSHOLES."

"WHAT? HE HAD TWO ASSHOLES?"

"YUP, I'VE NEVER SEEN 'EM, BUT EVERYONE KNEW HE HAD TWO ASSHOLES. EVERY TIME WE WENT TO TOWN, FOLKS WOULD SAY, 'HERE COMES BUBBA WITH THEM TWO ASSHOLES'."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!