Joke page
Moderators: MichelleH, Minimalist, JPeters
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Rudolph Hucker
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 6:02 pm
- Location: Seoul, Korea
2 six year old boys were talking in the playground.
Are you circumcised?
Yes
How old were you when it was done?
8 days old
Any problems?
Well - I couldn't walk for 18 months.
Are you circumcised?
Yes
How old were you when it was done?
8 days old
Any problems?
Well - I couldn't walk for 18 months.
"i do not think that religious people have lower i.q.s i just don't think they gain enough knowledge nor are taught properly how to use what they have learned." - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist
A guest at a shoot goes along to a specialist Kennels to hire a gun dog for the week end.
He explains that he needs a first class animal as a good impression could win him promotion.
'This is the animal for you Sir, Salesman, great retriever and a soft mouth.' he's informed, and off he goes with the dog.
Later in the week he returns the animal and is so pleased he even tips the kennel man.
Fast forward 6 months.
'I'd like to hire one of your dogs for a weekend shoot,' he informs the kennels. 'And I'd particularly like to have Salesman.'
The kennel man's face drops. 'Oh no Sir, no, you wouldn't want Salesman.'
'Why not? He's a superb animal.'
'Was Sir, was'.
'Why? What happened?'
'It was like this Sir, we hired him to a young lady and she was so pleased she renamed Sales Manager. Now all he does is sit on his **** and bark!'
He explains that he needs a first class animal as a good impression could win him promotion.
'This is the animal for you Sir, Salesman, great retriever and a soft mouth.' he's informed, and off he goes with the dog.
Later in the week he returns the animal and is so pleased he even tips the kennel man.
Fast forward 6 months.
'I'd like to hire one of your dogs for a weekend shoot,' he informs the kennels. 'And I'd particularly like to have Salesman.'
The kennel man's face drops. 'Oh no Sir, no, you wouldn't want Salesman.'
'Why not? He's a superb animal.'
'Was Sir, was'.
'Why? What happened?'
'It was like this Sir, we hired him to a young lady and she was so pleased she renamed Sales Manager. Now all he does is sit on his **** and bark!'
From one of my wife's friends: 
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
A Jewish business man is attending a dinner when the guest to his left admires his wristwatch.
The business man lifts his arm and smiles sadly.
'Yes,' he agreed, 'It's beauty isn't it? It belonged to a very dear friend of mine who died recently.'
The guest commiserated as the business man went on.
'I heard the end was near so I went along to pay my respects and to sit with him for a while. Then he turned to me and said, "Abram my boy, I know you've always liked my watch, so the time is now," and he took the watch from his wrist......and sold it to me!'
The guest looked very embarrassed and the business man just smiled.
'Actually it was the only time I got the better of him in a deal........I gave him a cheque!'
The business man lifts his arm and smiles sadly.
'Yes,' he agreed, 'It's beauty isn't it? It belonged to a very dear friend of mine who died recently.'
The guest commiserated as the business man went on.
'I heard the end was near so I went along to pay my respects and to sit with him for a while. Then he turned to me and said, "Abram my boy, I know you've always liked my watch, so the time is now," and he took the watch from his wrist......and sold it to me!'
The guest looked very embarrassed and the business man just smiled.
'Actually it was the only time I got the better of him in a deal........I gave him a cheque!'
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Rudolph Hucker
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 6:02 pm
- Location: Seoul, Korea
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed.
'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed.
'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
"i do not think that religious people have lower i.q.s i just don't think they gain enough knowledge nor are taught properly how to use what they have learned." - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist
"Dawkins isn't that intelligent" - Archaeologist
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Minimalist
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 16017
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:09 pm
- Location: Arizona
IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by
the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you
purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you
want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the
paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,
hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do
the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a
liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-
gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-
gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir,
that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a
gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it
now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.
-- George Carlin
-- George Carlin
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Rudolph Hucker
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2007 6:02 pm
- Location: Seoul, Korea
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair....Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair....Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Minimalist
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 16017
- Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:09 pm
- Location: Arizona
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy
a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.
-- George Carlin
-- George Carlin
Also, after the first six months you'd stop for petrol/gas and find that your tank no longer accepts that kind of petrol/gas, and you need a new kind of tank, but unfortunately the new kind of tank won't work in a vehicle painted that colour, and you can't get it resprayed because you've got the wrong kind of windscreen/shield etc etc...
(noitice how I managed a biligual transatlantic version there?)
