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[Rudolph Hucker]

Time for another golden oldie ...



Gordon Brown - "So, Nicolas, do you have any pictures of your wife naked?"

Sarkozy (shocked) -"Mais non monsieur!"

Brown - "Would you like to buy some?"

[Digit]

Oh Great!

[rich]

Not sure if anyone's heard this - it is an old one but :

Once upon a time, in my younger - wilder days, I walked into a bar. As I sat down a haggard old devil came up to me and asked “mind if I sit with ya?” So he sat down and proceeded to drink from his rather oversized mug.
Now, the old gent had a wooden leg, a patch over one eye, and a hook where his left hand was. I was just about to ask him what happened but thought better of it and figured I’d wait till I had a little more courage from some drinks.
So, anyways, after a while I figured I had enough courage and asked him “ mind if I ask what happened to your leg?”
“Aye, was on board a ship in the worst storm ye’ ever want to see when suddenly it tipped hard - over I went, but luckily I had a hold of a rope. Well, there I was just struggling’ to keep hangin’ on when out of nowhere comes this big ol’ shark an’ bites me leg off. Well the crew saw kindly enough to make me the prosthesis to replace it.”
“Ouch. Must have hurt. But at least it was nice of them to make you the leg.”
At this point I was still a little too leery to ask about the rest and figured I’d have a few more drinks of courage.
Finally after a while I asked “what happened to your hand?”
“Aye - same boat - we’d been out at sea for a while and were headin’ home when we ran into another ship. Well, they said something that didn’t sit quite well with our crew so we boarded her and began to fight with their crew. During the commotion this one mean devil picked up an axe and was about to cleave one of me shipmates head with it so I reached out to stop it - bad move. That axe went clean through me wrist and off came the hand. Did save me shipmate though. After we got to shore the crew rushed me to the doc and he fixed me up with the hook.”

Whew - old timer had been through a lot. About another half hour or so of drinking I finally worked up the courage to ask him about the eye.

“Aah - the eye. Pigeon.”

“Pigeon?” Dang I thought - must’ve been one heck of a - uh - pigeon.

“Aye - it was me first day with the hook.”

[Rudolph Hucker]

Surely Max Mosely was simply following the tradition for polyglots established by Holy Roman Emperor Charles V; who spoke Spanish to God; French to men, and German to his whores?

[Rudolph Hucker]

Two ninety-year-old West Indian men, Neville and Victor, have been friends all their lives.

Vic is dying, and so Nev comes to visit him everyday.

'Vic,' says Nev, 'You know how we both like cricket all we life, an' how we play together for plenty years. Vic, you gotta do me one favour.

When you go to Heaven, and I know you goin' deh, somehow you gotta let me know if they got cricket in Heaven.'

Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, 'Nev, you is meh bes' frien' for a long time. If it is possible, I gon do it for you.'

And shortly after that, Vic passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of whitelight and a voice calls out to him, 'Nev. Nev.'

'Is who ?' says Nev sitting up suddenly. 'Is who ?'

'Nev, is me, Vic.'

'You lie. You is not Vic. Vic just dead.'

'I telling you,' insists the voice. 'Is me, Vic!'

'Vic is you? Whey you deh?'

'I in heaven,' says Vic , 'and I gotta tell you, I got real good news and a likkle bad news.'

'So, tell me de good news fus',' says Nev.

'De good news is that they got cricket in heaven. Better yet, all we old buddies who gone before we are there. Better yet, we all young men again. Better yet, it always got sunshine and it never rains, and best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired!'

'Really?' says Nev, 'Dat is fantastic, wonderful beyond meh wildest dreams! But, wha's de bad news?'

'You opening de batting next Tuesday.'

[Digit]

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS.......

Friendship between Women;

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two
said that he was still there.

[Digit]

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and some rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

[Digit]

Not really sure if this should be classified as a joke or not but I nearly wet myself.


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have
a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me
a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK
)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ?
( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is .
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[MichelleH]

Dig....too funny! (and a little sad.... )

[Ishtar]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

He said "Why shouldn't I?".

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist or perhaps a Muslim?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist
church of the lord?"

He said, "Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you
reformed Baptist church of god?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

[Ishtar]

A wealthy businessman was at the pier of a half-forgotten coastal village in Mexico when a small wooden boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellow fin tuna and the businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it had taken to catch them.

The Mexican replied that it took him just a little while. The businessman asked why didn't he stay out a little longer and catch a few more fish?

The Mexican said he had caught enough fish to support his family's immediate needs, so why should he want to catch more fish? And in response to this, the businessman asked him what he did with the rest of his time.

The Mexican fisherman replied saying "Well, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The businessman scoffed. "Listen, I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing, and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you could sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York where you would run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?" To which the businessman replied, "My estimate would be between 15-20 years."

"But what then?" the fisherman asked.

The businessman laughed. "Here is the best part." he said. "When the time is right you would and sell your company stock to the public and become very, very wealthy. You would make millions."

"Millions? Then what?"

"Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

[rich]

An Italian guy goes into this place looking for a job. He goes to the boss but of course the boss is trying to get out of hiring him so he gives him a test.
He tells the Italian "ok, without using numbers represent the number 9."
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and draws three trees on a piece of paper and shows it to the boss.
Boss says "what's that?"
Italian says " dat'sa tree and a tree and a tree and everybody knows tree plus tree plus tree is a nine."
Boss - "okaaaay, same thing again only this time represent the number 99."
Italian draws a smudge on each of the trees.
Boss says "what's that?"
Italian "datsa dirty tree and a dirty tree and a dirty tree - and everybody knows dat dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree equals 99."
Boss - "okaaay - same thing again only for 100."
The Italian promptly draws a little thingy below each of the trees and shows it to the boss.
Boss "Now what the heck is that?"
Italian "dat little thing below each of the trees is a turd, and everybody knows dat dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd equals 100! - So when do I start, Boss?"

[Digit]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your ******* brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Roy.

[Ishtar]

Good one!

[Digit]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls at the moment and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (you would wouldn't you?).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And so the blonde entered Heaven...

Roy.