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A Liverpudlian mouse walks into a music store and says "'Ere mate, have you got a mouse organ?"

"No", says the shopkeeper, "and I think you mean mouth organ, not mouse organ"

"I definitely wanted a mouse organ" replied the mouse, "So I'll have to try somewhere else"

"Wait a minute" says the shopkeeper "I had another mouse in earlier today looking for a mouse organ"

"Oh" says the mouse "That'll be our Monica"

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"



This was the BEST idea. I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr.President,
Patriotic retirement:

There's about 40 million people over 50 in the work force; pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.


Remember : Cheaper than giving away the taxpayers money to rich people!

2 Irishmen Walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.

"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.

"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year we sail past and he goes nuts."





There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit goes, "No."

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

One for the non believers...

One sunny afternoon in New York, a priest was out shopping and he met, quite by chance, a vicar walking towards him. Naturally, they stopped to make polite conversation. As they were parting, the priest said to the vicar, "by the way, Vicar, before you go, my parishioners often say I look the image of Jesus Christ.... do you agree?" to which the Vicar scoffed"You.... look like our Lord? I can assure you, my parishioners have all agreed that I am the image of Jesus Christ."

Before they came to blows, a rabbi was walking towards them, and naturally stopped to speak to them. They explained their predicament, asking "which of us, do you think, Rabbi, is the image of Jesus Christ?" to which the Rabbi burst into shrieks of laughter.

"You?..... You?..... Neither of you" and continued to belly laugh. "As a matter of fact" he replied, "I KNOW I am the image of Jesus Christ.... and I can prove it!"

The priest and the vicar looked at each other in stunned silence. "Go on, then, prove it!" The rabbi said"Follow me." And away the three men went, walking through the main thoroughfare, down the backstreets and eventually arrived at a pretty seedy area.

Approaching one dingey property with a notice in the window offering "French Lessons on the Fourth Floor" the rabbi said, "Here we are, follow me." And up the rickety stairs the three men eventually arrived at a door with a little red light overhead.

The rabbi proudly thumped on the door and after a scuffle from inside, the door was opened by a blonde lady in a negligee to which she stared at the rabbi and proclaimed "Jesus Christ.... it's not you again!!!"

Roy.

Two Rice University students became fast friends during their four years of undergrad studies. One of them went on to Harvard for his graduate studies and the other remained at Rice. They kept in close contact throughout the intervening years. The Harvard man invited the Rice man to visit him at the Harvard campus. Arrangements were made for the two friends to meet at the cafeteria on campus. When the Rice grad student arrived at Harvard, he stopped a man and asked "Where is the cafeteria at?" The man, obviously a Harvard student, sniffed in a haughty manner and announced "My dear man, we here at Harvard do not end our sentences with prepositions!" The Rice student thought for a moment and said "Let me rephrase my question then... Where is the cafereria at ASSHOLE?"

*edit - spelling, grammar...

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other for thirty years, met at a party. After several drinks one of them had to use the rest room. The other three started to talk about their sons.
The first guy commented, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started work at the bottom, studied economics and Business Administration and climbed the ladder so that he's now president of the company. He has become so rich that he gave a friend a top of the range Mercedes for his birthday recently.'
The second guy said, 'That's terrific! My son started with an airline and went on to become a pilot. Now he's a partner. He's so rich he gave his best friend a private jet for his birthday.'
The third guy joined in. ' My son became an engineer, he started his own company and is now a multi millionaire. He gave his best friend a 30000 sq ft mansion for his birthday.'
The three friends were congratulating each as the fourth man returned and asked what the congratualtions were for.
One of the men explained and asked, 'What about your son?'
He replied. 'My son is Gay and makes his living living as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The other three commiserated and said what a disappointment.
The fourth man explained. 'I'm not ashamed, he's my son and I love him, he hasn't done too badly for himself either. It was his birthday recently and he received a 30000 sq ft mansion, a private jet and a top of the line Merc from his three boy friends!'

Roy.

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave” asked the landlord…

“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four-year-old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18-year-old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

“It’s not” said the man…

“The little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms”

Roy.

HOW THE FIGHTS STARTED!!!!


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that?s how the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that?s how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer . . . Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house . . . I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed . . . I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........

Here's one of ours...

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service



The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Otorhinolaryngologists (ENT specialists) didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pineappled off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Roy.

Another one...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Roy.

Roy, you're killing me man.