Here, Arch... A Little Levity

Post by **Minimalist** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 1:24 pm

I got this by e-mail from a friend. You are going to love #13!!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS FUNNY! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST, KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:12 pm

not in the mood for this type of levity, sorry

Melanie · Post by **Melanie** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:23 pm

I thought they were very funny

I have some on geography somewhere

Beagle · Post by **Beagle** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:35 pm

Melanie wrote:I thought they were very funny
I have some on geography somewhere

Melanie, you must be new here. Welcome!!

marduk · Post by **marduk** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:38 pm

ooh a new young hottie for me to prey on
now wheres my trident gone

careful beagle i have it on good information that a member at the hall of maat is also called melanie
think this is possibly a coincedence ?
maybe you should tell her that her opinion isn't required in certain areas before she makes the mistake of expressing her honest opinion eh

Beagle · Post by **Beagle** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 2:42 pm

Try real hard to be civil marduk. Whaddya say?

marduk · Post by **marduk** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 3:11 pm

I am being civil
surprised you didn't notice that
are you saying she isn't hot ?
what evidence do you have for that ?

Post by **Minimalist** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 3:27 pm

No wonder the women run away from this place.

Don't mind him, dear. We aren't all barbarians.

marduk · Post by **marduk** » Fri Jul 28, 2006 3:47 pm

there you go again coming up with a theory without any evidence to support it

i say shes hot
what evidence do you have that she isn't

or is this another supposition without any evidence ?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 29, 2006 12:02 am

i say shes hot

why even go there? obviously you hall of ma'at people are a bit thick.

marduk · Post by **marduk** » Sat Jul 29, 2006 4:08 am

why even go there? obviously you hall of ma'at people are a bit thick.

because i know her Arch
who's thick ?

and btw
I am not a hall of maat person and i do not post there a great deal
i am an individual
you should remember that, putting people in boxes is an attempt to negate them
that could turn out to be very costly
after all I have not categorised you as a christian idiot yet who isn't worth responding to
but if you carry on like that it may happen

tj · Post by tj » Sat Jul 29, 2006 5:41 am

marduk wrote:after all I have not categorised you as a christian idiot yet who isn't worth responding to

Been there. Done that.

Frank Harrist · Post by **Frank Harrist** » Sat Jul 29, 2006 6:12 am

Welcome, Melanie. Don't let all the breastbeating get to you. Just a buncha apes.

marduk · Post by **marduk** » Sat Jul 29, 2006 6:15 am

ook

Barracuda · Post by **Barracuda** » Mon Jul 31, 2006 1:35 pm

I have to confess I like #7

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.