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There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Charley had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Charley, hit the ball, drag Charley . . . "
At the risk of boring everyone shitless and unwittingly submitting myself for the pedant of the year title. From Frances Karttunen's Analytical Dictionary of Nahuatl (University of Oklahoma Press):marduk wrote:Q.why did the Aztec cross the road
A. whats a road
They had roads, some of which were paved with a porous red volcanic rock called tezontli. Still, it was a stirling effort nonetheless. The fusion of archaeological or anthropogical minutae with big-ass belly laughs is not easily made. I had a bit of a go in my second novel...OH-TLI possessed form: -OHHUI road / camino generalmente (M)
See what I mean. There's plenty of gags elsewhere in the book, but I guess that ain't one of them.Tlacahuepan busied himself with his tent, banging stakes into the ground and knotting lengths of twine against sudden gusts of wind. Icnopilli sat nearby, massaging the ache of a whole day on foot from his calves. They had spent the last leg of the journey swapping tales and grumbles with a youthful quartet of Tecpanecs, all four of whom were now huddled around a pile of dead wood gathered in hope of building a fire. Their light chatter bubbled upon the earlier sighting of a disgruntled delegate from the nearby town. If less than happy to find a warrior mob had broken camp within spitting distance of their parish, the elders of Cacaxtla were hardly in a position to object - prompting another reiteration of an old joke which had once again reduced the Tecpanecs to helpless fits of giggles.
'Where does the Triple Alliance keep its armies?'
Three pairs of shoulders twitched in clamorous anticipation of the customary punch line as their master of ceremonies paused for comic effect.
'Anywhere it bloody well likes, apart from Tlaxcala, Michoacan and Metztitlan.'
They rolled across the grass in a hooting scrum whilst Icnopilli looked on, silent and unmoved as he weighed the joke's feeble comedic value against its insightful illustration of regional political geography.
Yeah I didn't get that one. What books did you write? I love reading that kind of stuff. Anyone here read Aztec or Aztec Autumn by Gary Jennings? Great books. Great imaginings of what the Aztec/Mechikan world was like. (Probably spelled that wrong) A lot of facts there too. I highly recommend both novels.There's plenty of gags elsewhere in the book, but I guess that ain't one of them.
Both novels, both unpublished, and looking back at the first one (Smoking Mirror) it reads too much like a first novel to be worth resurrecting. The newie (The Other Side of the World) I have high hopes for and am ready to pounce upon the publisher I have in mind, or just do the bloody thing myself if that doesn't work. I'm afraid there's a science-fiction element (about 25% but no time-machines or spaceships or ray guns) although it doesn't impact on the historical material, if anything it's more the other way round. It's written as part of a line (Faction Paradox) of which previous novels have dealt with the warring states period of Chinese history and er.... (sorry, but just the idea of this one makes me laugh) what happens when all the alternative earths where Rome never fell gang up against all the alternative earths where Hitler won World War II (heh heh - top THAT!). If this doesn't sound too sickening take a look at http://www.madnorwegian.com. Anyway, aside from making some use of all the stuff in my head, and wanting to write a gripping tale for a quite exciting line of novels, I really wanted to do a definitive Mexica story before some clueless proot inevitably comes along with more ancient astronauts in Mexico crap thus forcing me to track them down and administer a kicking.Frank Harrist wrote: What books did you write?
I've noticed them but been put off by previous novels of the kind, wherein they get basic facts and names wrong and generally balls it up. Which is partially a motivation for writing TOSOTW by the way. Maybe I should give them a go. A recommendation from someone on this forum seems to suggest GJ might be worth checking out after all.Frank Harrist wrote: I love reading that kind of stuff. Anyone here read Aztec or Aztec Autumn by Gary Jennings? Great books. Great imaginings of what the Aztec/Mechikan world was like. (Probably spelled that wrong) A lot of facts there too. I highly recommend both novels.
Thanks to the correspondent who pointed out an unfortunate line from a Scooby-Doo and the Harlem Globe-Trotters cartoon, in which Fred - having lost several members of his gang - is asked where he thinks a newly-discovered secret passage will lead: 'I hope to Shag, Scooby and the Globe-Trotters.' Now try it again without the comma.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".