Joke page

Post by **Minimalist** » Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:43 am

vehicle painted that colour

You spelled color wrong...that's a syntax error.

Beagle · Post by **Beagle** » Tue Feb 19, 2008 5:41 am

How Many Women
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Frank Harrist · Post by **Frank Harrist** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 8:44 pm

Ya'll may have already heard this, but it's so funny you have to listen to it again. This guy thinks he can intimidate four old ladies after a fender bender. Guy on the phone is seeing this and leaving description on voice mail. It's freakin' hilarious.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

Post by **Minimalist** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:57 am

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air
Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most
horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic
flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda,
Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do
their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains,
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand
that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, trying to be gallant, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the
horses...."

Digit · Post by **Digit** » Thu Feb 28, 2008 10:14 am

Rudolph Hucker · Post by **Rudolph Hucker** » Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:00 am

In February 1979, in Kuwait, I met the Queen and Prince Philip.

In my excitement, I am humbled to report that I broke wind, both noisily and foully.

Prince Philip - known in England as Phil the Greek - said "How dare you fart in front of my wfe?"

I apologised prfusely, defensively saying "Sorry, I didn't know it was her turn".

Beagle · Post by **Beagle** » Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:29 pm

I got this a few days ago.

Time for holiday humor. Here is something for St. Patrick's Day.

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running
late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?

Digit · Post by **Digit** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 3:53 pm

It's wicked to mock the afflicted isn't it?

Poor old macca

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce, and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long!' She said
in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened, I'm
really stumped.'

'She's running around in circles', according to a close friend, 'she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this..'

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to
stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. 'She's terrible' a source stated, 'always trying to
get her leg over'.

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. 'Macca couldn't handle it anymore' a friend said, 'he would get
home at night and find her legless.'

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A gold miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his
mate 'I'm finished! Who will want a one legged gold digger?' His mate
says 'try Paul McCartney.'

And finally, a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and....
her leg fell in the river!

War Arrow · Post by **War Arrow** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:01 pm

Frank Carson would be proud of you, Dig.

Digit · Post by **Digit** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:04 pm

My hero!
As the judge said WA, she's her own worst enemy.
Mind you, Paul might comment, 'not whilst I'm alive she's not!'

Rudolph Hucker · Post by **Rudolph Hucker** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 9:04 pm

I fly a lot, Asia-Europe, Asia-US, close to 100,000 miles year ...

In the drive to reduce costs airlines have slowly wound back their in-flight services leading to the following exchange between a FA and my adjacent passenger;

FA: Would you like dinner Sir?

Passenger: What are the choices?

FA: Yes or no.

Rudolph Hucker · Post by **Rudolph Hucker** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 9:05 pm

Rudolph Hucker · Post by **Rudolph Hucker** » Sat Mar 22, 2008 9:07 pm

Beagle · Post by **Beagle** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:45 pm

rich · Post by **rich** » Fri Mar 28, 2008 1:42 pm

Guess Ralph really meant it -